November 5, 2024 — Washington, D.C. — Politics
In a stunning display of ambition coupled with an overwhelming lack of voter interest, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. captured less than 1% of the popular vote in the 2024 U.S. presidential election. That’s right, folks. It seems that banking on a surname and a dubious stance on vaccines wasn’t quite the golden ticket to the White House some might have imagined.
As the election results trickled in, becoming blindingly apparent was the fact that while RFK Jr. has the recognition of a threat whispered through middle school lunch corridors, he lacked the backing of anyone beyond a coterie of overzealous fans, distant cousins, and the occasional bar-goer convinced he knows more than top immunologists.
Political analysts, historians, and your nosy neighbor stood astonished at the outcome—likening his campaign effort to attempting to sell popsicles to polar bears. The rallies, which boasted more empty chairs than actual constituents, now serve as textbook examples in political failure: a comprehensive guide on how not to run for President.
For those spectating the circus from the comfort of their homes, the final count showcased RFK Jr.’s performance at an astoundingly “let’s not even pretend this is a real number” percentage of the popular vote, which experts label as “the result you get when even your dog votes for someone else.”
While the full impact of this political belly flop is still being assessed, experts hypothesize that RFK Jr. might soon redirect his talents towards more attainable goals like origami or synchronized swimming. After all, spending weekends debating medical policies was clearly not sparking enough joy.
Critics gleefully marked this milestone in electoral participation with enthusiasm rivaling that of discovering an extra fry at the bottom of the takeout bag. Across the nation, glasses clinked in a salute to democracy—specifically the bits where voters consciously exclude a Kennedy from the Oval Office running.
As RFK Jr. strolls through the halls of political obscurity, the takeaway from this near-historic chapter is evident: it’s sometimes wiser to build your reputation on something a bit more tangible than genetic ties to Camelot. Sit tight as our exhausted team of experts recover from witnessing such an extraordinary democratic event.
