Phoenix, Arizona — In a shocking twist that not even the most optimistic fortune tellers dared to predict, the Republican Party has snagged an unexpected victory in the Arizona presidential election. This left many, especially the rather shell-shocked Democrats, scratching their heads with a bemused sense of disbelief, questioning whether a new secret ingredient in barbecue sauce swayed the voters.
Major news outlets, from the Associated Press to NBC, took a break from their obligatory tiny sandwiches to unanimously declare the race in favor of the GOP. Some are now calling this the start of the Great Republican Renaissance of Arizona. Initially dismissed as either a slight misprint or a long-lost April Fool’s joke, Arizona voters showed they could indeed be more red than a supermarket tomato on a summer sale.
While the rest of the nation tilted blue, Arizona decided its true allegiance was the vibrant red hue of its iconic desert rocks. Political analysts are currently doing frantic forensic investigations on their data, while a few gung-ho congressmen are already discussing a revival of good old ranch-style politics. Imagine, if you will, more cowboy boots, fewer suits, and plenty of fiery speeches frequently interrupted by cheering from backyard gatherings.
As residents buckle down to ponder what this surprising victory will mean, there’s a cautious air of optimism floating around. Nothing spices up the morning series of tweets quite like a healthy dose of political polarization. The new Republican leadership is promising a throwback to simpler times when debates took place on horseback, and PowerPoint slides were just figments of futuristic imagination.
As the Arizona sun dips below the horizon, casting its familiar glow across this valley of both dust and political surprises, it’s clear this state is primed for another dose of political porch-sitting spectacles. For the Democrats, however, it appears there’s more than tinsel from last year’s holiday decor to untangle. Here’s to hoping they’ve stocked their tea cabinets to the brim—it’s bound to be quite the spectacle.